Meeting Expectations.

there were many times where i questioned myself, am i doing what i am currently doing, or is it because people around me expects me to do this?

don't get me wrong, i am now pursuing what i wanted since 15. for the last 4 years, i am happy to say that i am enjoying what i was doing.

but, for the past 10months, i only enjoy half of what i am doing. unfortunately for me, this is one of the thing that i have to go through in order for me to achieve my dreams.

why am i working so damn hard for something that i dislike?

why am i still awake at 635 in the morning,fretting over questions that i can't answer wholly. and attempt to cover as many past year questions as possible.

am i doing this to just pass the exam? or to get good results and make my daddy proud and meet everyone's expectations on me or to make myself feel proud?

it's quite hard for me sometimes. to me, it's like if i didn't score well or if i fail, i sometimes feel as though the disappointment may not arise due to the failure itself, rather is that i failed to meet the expectations, what more exceeding those expectations.

in a way, it may be a motivating factor as well. for me to just continue studying, revising, memorising.

So Be It.

Few weeks ago, I posted about me feeling extremely regretful of what I did few years ago. Something that cannot be undone. But as I said, people move on.

We don't live in the past, we look forward and we try to learn from our mistakes and never repeat them.

I do still feel sorry for what I did few years back, but...I don't feel sorry for the consequence or how the situation turned out to be today.

I am not trying to justify my wrongdoing. I know I was wrong. Period.

However, as the facts and truths start to reveal itself, made me even more sure of my decision to not turn back or to mend things. Although sometimes, I heard some news about that person, there is still some pain, but...I find it much easier to brush it aside now. Instead of pondering over it for hours or for days.

So what if some s.o.b. bitch about me to her?

And...so what if she chooses to believe that person?

It ain't matter anymore.

I can't help it if some people want to bitch about me. Even if that "some people" turns out to be someone that I am in friendly terms with.

It's impossible to make everyone like you. Even if a particular person succeed doing that, it would definitely not last long, because deep down..that type of person is actually a multiple-faced brat that just don't want to be the "bad-guy", and one day, the true face would be revealed.

If someone don't like me, because I'm me...well, so be it.

I won't lose sleep over it.

Stress

STRESS.

stress. yes. that is what i am feeling lately. exam starts on the 12th July. means, less than 2 months from now.

there are just so,so much to memorise. the horrible part is that, most of it is pure memory work. i know, i keep repeating this, but seriously...it's all about testing how good one's memory is.

for the past 3 years during my degree, the way i revise each subjects would be in accordance with the revision timetable in my college.

so if let's say for that 2 weeks is on Evidence, then my revision would purely be on Evidence. it would be purely on doing past year questions on that subject.

but, once Professional Practice revision started. my timetable is all messed up. Why? Because 3 subjects is squeezed into one paper. I am only done with ethics,advocacy. and it's not even 100%. I halfway through bankruptcy. havent started on winding up. my land, well... can i give up?

SO DAMN STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

and now revision is on Civil Procedure already.

damn shit.

shit.

stress shit.

FML !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

):

i need a drink.

Dull Me.

i haven't been blogging much lately.

i suppose it's because my life has been pretty dull lately.

there's nothing much to blog about.

things are just...boring.

boring.

ohyea.

i suddenly remembered.

about a month ago, i blogged about KTM's implementation of "Ladies Coach".

as i mentioned in my previous post, i said that it was ineffective.

well, i have to take back my words now.

last monday, i took the KTM again.

and this time, i saw a vast difference.

this time, signboards are clearer, where the middle compartment is reserved for ladies only.

and they stationed one to two KTM staff, males to stand guard.

to ensure that no males actually went into that compartment.

what strikes me to be amusing is that, despite warnings...some men, were just so oblivious.

it happened when i was on my way back from Bank Negara, when the KTM stopped at Putra station. 2 male foreign workers actually board the Ladies Coach. i suppose they dont understand malay, english nor tamil. the staff has to point to the signboard and gesturing towards the other passengers, which are all ladies. and...they, still seem....well. BLUR.

the train already started moving, yet they are still inside and the KTM staff seemed lost of words.

finally, after a few minutes...only they are willing to head towards the other compartment.

i am glad that they started to take stricter measure to ensure the effectiveness of this Ladies Coach implementation.

but, the problem arose when it's during peak hour.

when i took the train, was during odd hours, so naturally, the train aint that packed.

my friend who board the train about 5sth in the afternoon, told me that... all the ladies will now want to squeeze into the ladies compartment. i mean, it's understandable. i wouldnt want to be in a compartment, where everyone is packed like sardine and being the one or 2 only girls. right?

so..what now ?

sigh. i can't believe i'm actually updating on KTM's Ladies Coach effectiveness.

this shows how dull i am lately.

Regret.

Have u even done something, and subsequently regret doing it? I'm pretty sure that, somehow...you will regret doing or not doing something before. Be it something major or minor. At some point, everyone experience this negative conscious before.

Nevertheless, people tend to move on in life. Put the past behind them and continue with their everyday life.

The same happened to me. I did something that I regretted, really regretted doing it. And that was almost 3 years ago. What had been done, impacted my life at that point of time pretty much. Many things changed. Subsequently, misunderstandings occurred too. But then, somehow, I manage to overcome the feeling of regret. In other words, I move on from it.

Yet, almost 3 years later. The same issue came back haunting me.

The deep sense of regret started to feel my mind, my heart, my everything.

I don't think that I can just turn back and say "I am sorry". It's not about my pride, it's just that...if saying sorry can truly mend things, then I suppose those subsequent problems wouldn't even happen. Not to mention that the issue that triggered off those subsequent problems happened 3 years ago.

What else can I do?

Other than feeling what I am feeling now. Which is, regret.