i am not good enough.

for the past week, i had been busy memorising for my upcoming exams and also busy compiling all my supporting documents for my visa application, which i have to hand it in tomorrow.

at the same time, i'm still waiting, quite anxiously for 2 emails from my new uni.

at or about 1130pm, i just woke up from a short nap, on my pc and log into my email account.

and i saw that there were many unread emails in my inbox, and the 1st email...was one of the email that i had been waiting for.

and.

i received a bad news.

my scholarship application had been rejected.

i felt very disappointed.

not only that my dad has to pay my full course fee, but to know that i am not good enough as well.

not good enough.

God is Love.

in about less than 3 weeks, i would be facing my CLP examinations.

12.07 - Civil Procedure

14.07 - General Paper

16.07 - Criminal Procedure

19.07 - Professional Practice

21.07 - Evidence

it seems so easy, just 5 papers. hell yeah, but in actual fact we studied 10 subjects, for about 10 months?

the stress is building up.

there were times i just feel like shouting out loud.

i feel like crying. i even feel like i'm going to puke.

but at times like this, i really have to calm down.

and i have to say that, it's God that keeps me going.

since my Inter years, there are a few God's words that keeps me going.

that i repeated to myself whenever i feel like i'm facing difficulty or when i'm stuck.

it got me through my previous exams.

and i know that it will get me through, for my exams in few weeks times.

"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God" (Philippians 4:6)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt" (James 1:5-6)

Never Satisfied.

it's human nature that we're never satisfied with what we have now.

when you bought an Iphone 3G, you felt that you're with the "in" group.

then now with the new Iphone4 launching, you feel the need to own it too.

that's how humans are.

we're never satisfied with what we have.

even if we manage to obtain it,

somehow, in future...u would realised that it's either not good enough,

or u get bored with it.

Lyrics of the songs i love.

very recently, i started to love MayDay songs. it was actually since 5th june. after attending their concert, i just can't stop listening to their songs and getting to know more information about that band (from Wendy, and any English websites which feature them, which honestly speaking, quite limited)

thanks so Wendy, she sent me many of their songs. and i have to say that i love most of their songs, but there are two that i super-love now!

拥抱

脱下长日的假面 奔向梦幻的强界
南瓜马车的午夜 换上童话的玻璃鞋
让我享受这感觉 我是孤傲的蔷薇
让我品尝这滋味 纷乱世界的不了解
昨天太近 明天太远 默默聆听那黑夜
晚风吻尽 荷花叶 任我醉倒在池边
等你清楚看见我的美 月光晒干眼泪
那一个人 爱我
将我的手 紧握
抱紧我 吻我 喔 爱 别走
隐藏自己的疲倦 表达自己的狼狈
放纵自己的狂野 找寻自己的明天
向你要求的誓言 就算是你的谎言
我需要爱的慰借 就算那爱已如潮水

溫柔

走在風中 今天陽光 突然好溫柔
天的溫柔 地的溫柔 像你抱著我
然後發現 你的改變 孤單的今後
如果冷 該怎麼渡過
天邊風光 身邊的我 都不在你眼中
你的眼中 藏著什麼 我從來都不懂
沒有關係 你的世界 就讓你擁有
不打擾是我的溫柔
不知道 不明了 不想要 為什麼 我的心
明明是想靠近 卻孤單到黎明
不知道 不明了 不想要 為什麼 我的心
那愛情的綺麗 總是在孤單里
再把我的最好的愛給你
不知不覺 不情不愿 又到巷子口
我沒有哭 也沒有笑 因為這是夢
沒有預兆 沒有理由 你真的都說過
如果有就讓你自由 自由 這是我的溫柔

0640

it's now 640am.

yet, i am unable to sleep.

reason being, i slept at 12am for four hours.

an intended short nap ended up to be a long one.

my sleeping time had been reversed now.

this always happens few weeks prior to exams.

i am mentally tired.

tired of loading all the informations into my tiny brain.

there is simply no motivation in studying.

was it because i just hate what i'm studying now?

or was it because,

there is no one to share my frustration in studies like before.

the people that walked into and out of life, are changing.

Meeting Expectations.

there were many times where i questioned myself, am i doing what i am currently doing, or is it because people around me expects me to do this?

don't get me wrong, i am now pursuing what i wanted since 15. for the last 4 years, i am happy to say that i am enjoying what i was doing.

but, for the past 10months, i only enjoy half of what i am doing. unfortunately for me, this is one of the thing that i have to go through in order for me to achieve my dreams.

why am i working so damn hard for something that i dislike?

why am i still awake at 635 in the morning,fretting over questions that i can't answer wholly. and attempt to cover as many past year questions as possible.

am i doing this to just pass the exam? or to get good results and make my daddy proud and meet everyone's expectations on me or to make myself feel proud?

it's quite hard for me sometimes. to me, it's like if i didn't score well or if i fail, i sometimes feel as though the disappointment may not arise due to the failure itself, rather is that i failed to meet the expectations, what more exceeding those expectations.

in a way, it may be a motivating factor as well. for me to just continue studying, revising, memorising.

So Be It.

Few weeks ago, I posted about me feeling extremely regretful of what I did few years ago. Something that cannot be undone. But as I said, people move on.

We don't live in the past, we look forward and we try to learn from our mistakes and never repeat them.

I do still feel sorry for what I did few years back, but...I don't feel sorry for the consequence or how the situation turned out to be today.

I am not trying to justify my wrongdoing. I know I was wrong. Period.

However, as the facts and truths start to reveal itself, made me even more sure of my decision to not turn back or to mend things. Although sometimes, I heard some news about that person, there is still some pain, but...I find it much easier to brush it aside now. Instead of pondering over it for hours or for days.

So what if some s.o.b. bitch about me to her?

And...so what if she chooses to believe that person?

It ain't matter anymore.

I can't help it if some people want to bitch about me. Even if that "some people" turns out to be someone that I am in friendly terms with.

It's impossible to make everyone like you. Even if a particular person succeed doing that, it would definitely not last long, because deep down..that type of person is actually a multiple-faced brat that just don't want to be the "bad-guy", and one day, the true face would be revealed.

If someone don't like me, because I'm me...well, so be it.

I won't lose sleep over it.