Different Emotions.

this week, different emotions had been running in and out of me. it's like everything good/bad happened this week. i'll start with Monday.

on Monday morning, as usual i had to teach tuition. class starts at 9am. and sometimes i felt really sorry for my students, because i'm not a morning person. especially if i only had about 3-4 hours of sleep the night before, and that is usually the case for the past few weeks. i felt very,very grumpy and got very irritated easily. but anyhow, i tried to go on with my responsibility as a tutor, i continue making notes for them, making sure they actually understand what i taught them.

what made me even more pissed on Monday, wasnt my students. but my boss. the owner of that tuition centre. all this while, i know that my boss actually knows very little about me.despite teaching there for about 4 1/2 years. when i started working, he did enquire about my studies, but he never remembers it as i'm not a public uni student. his mindset is still in the 1970s where public students are generally of the best quality. i'm not denying that public uni students today are good, especially those that entered throught STPM. but, the truth is that education in Malaysia is evolving and students of good quality do not necessarily only come from public uni, especially recent graduates.

now, i'm not saying that i'm one of the so called quality students, but i know all this while, my boss didnt really respect me. in his eyes, only public uni students are worth praising. and i know for sure that my boss felt something is lacking in me as im chinese illiterate.

i never attempt to change my boss' impression towards me. to me, i know that i'll never stay long in that tuition centre, in fact i myself was surprise to be there for more than 4 years. besides, maybe i myself felt that...it doesnt matter to me what i boss think of me.

my relationship with my boss werent very good, especially since 2 years back, when i started asking for a pay raise. and there were few times i objected to the way he changed my class time. and i know he dislike me photocopying notes for my students.

i just ignored all of this, and did what's best for my students. i understand that he has financial difficulties, so i wasnt very persistent about my salary issue.

anyhow, i know that i can teach until April there, since i'll be facing my CLP exams in July and upon completion of CLP, i'll either start my pupilage/LL.M, so i informed my boss 2 weeks ago and asked him to get a new tutor asap.

he manage to get someone, and i wanted to know when this new tutor can take over my classes. AND, the question that he threw to me was just, just too unacceptable and for a moment, i was too shocked for words. i just stared at him.

he was asking whether i can give the new tutor my notes.

MY NOTES. all my hard work, of making almost everything from the textbook in chartform. the one i constantly update for my students. the notes i spent UNPAID hours of doing it. the notes that i printed out using my OWN PRINTER without claiming from him. the notes that he used to ask me NOT TO PHOTOCOPY.

i took a deep breath, and said no. it's my own notes. he still have the nerve to say "oh, i thought it was the notes from ur school days" wth. i know i told you before that those are my own personal notes.

once i said no, he even told me that he actually asked my ex-students for those notes.

then i look at him, trying to stay calm and said, i can't stop my ex-students from giving it to you, nor can i stop u from giving it to the new tutor who will subsequently distribute to a new class of students. BUT if u're asking for my permission, the answer is no.

i may be too blunt. but honestly, with my previous encounter with things like my notes? i had enough. once bitten, twice shy.

my boss was definitely unhappy with me, and he tried to make me feel guilty by saying things like "if u really care about the students' education, you wouldnt even mind giving it to the new tutor. i can offer u money for ur notes, but i find it inappropriate to do so."

to me, it's simple. if u offer me money, depending how much, i will actually consider whether to sell u my notes. at least it's a proper bargain. hell, i may be materialistic..but this is a materialistic world. plus i teach tuition not because i want to educate the future leaders of the world, but i need the extra cash. that's it. nothing noble about me being a tutor.

and hello, although that was the main purpose i started teaching, but over the years, no one can said that i dont care about my students at all. i can chose NOT to do any notes for them. and for the entire 2009, i extended my SPM students class for 30 mins every week without fail, and i didnt claim for the extra time.

i was just too pissed with my boss. he even told me that this new tutor is from a chinese independent school and his malay language may not be very good, so he needs my notes. WTH. at first u find me not-good-enough because im chinese illiterate, and now?

sigh.

as i mentioned before, different emotions running through me. on tues night, i felt very guilty. it was about 5sth in the evening. i was getting ready to sign off (from another job) and head to my 630 class. then, my boss asked me to read a bundle of documents, one LA passed it to me. and, i thought it was for a case next week (which is part of my research area) so i said i'll bring it home and read. then the LA told me, it's for tmr's hearing! i was like..HAR??? but boss told me next week? then, it was a different case but interrelated... aiks. conclusion is, i went for class and the LA did the reading. i felt so,so,so guilty cause i know that this LA has loads of work too. he usually only leave office about 10sth at night. :-( i'm so,so sorry, but...i cant missed classes.

and TODAY...i didn't check my email for the entire day. so about 3 hours ago, i signed in, then was seeing who sent me email..THEN..i saw the subject : Queen Mary University of London:Offer of Place. my heart skips a beat, well more like triple beats.

clicked on it. I AM OFFERED A PLACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is definitely the BEST news i received for 2010. in fact, 2nd best for my entire life!

the first person i told was winnie, cos she's online..then i msn my sister, but she's away. and then i went upstairs and informed my parents. they are definitely very happy for me. :D

and i have to thank God. He is the one that made everything to run smoothly for me. Thank you, Lord.

i know that this would be an extra financial burden for my dad. there were times that i doubt my decision. thinking whether i'm doing the right thing.

so, i'll definitely apply for a full/partial scholarship. i know that the scholarship is extremely limited, i just have to pray hard that i would be awarded at least the partial scholarship.

well...i'm SOOO EXCITED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!