for the past few months of working, i have to admit that i'm definitely not an award-winning-super-diligent-abide-by-the-rules' attachment student. of course i do my best to complete my tasks competently, but honestly speaking, who can stand 8 hours of reading cases/statutes/rules etc? no matter how much i enjoyed what im reading for most of the times, well...my brain can't absorb that much information. so, how am i able to get through all of these? well, it's EMAIL-ING with wendy and cat. all 3 of us are working, at a different place of course. and we emailed each other very frequent. most of our dates were set during work via email. and last week, we decided to have a Starbucks Tumbler meeting! cos all of us had the almost the same kind, those with the name of the country you bought it from. Cat went to Paris few weeks ago, and Wendy's Taiwan whilst mine is Bali. So we head to Starbucks at Bangsar (the most conveniently location for the 3 of us). 
missy catherine, as how wendy likes to call her. 
me with mr paris. ..........
and as usual, no photo of wendy. 
where MrParis meets MsTaipei and Ms Bali.
i dont know why i'm feeling what i'm feeling now.
even just talking about it brings tears to my eyes.
this is just so not my week.
i hate everything that is going on right now.
how i wish i can fast forward the time now.
maybe just until October?
at least i know that i'm so far away,
that nothing matters.
i was just sitting here, staring at the monitor, thinking about what to blog. all my emotions are trapped in my heart and mind. there are so many things that i want to said it out loud, but sometimes, some things are better to left kept.
then just about 10 minutes ago, my mom called me. asking me about one of my secondary school teacher's name. Pn Lim. i would say that she's the nicest teacher in my old school. never once i heard her raising her voice. i can still remember that she is the PK Hal-Ehwal. she teaches maths/add-maths up till form6 level.
my mom asked me whether i know her son's name. her son is few years my senior and he's very smart too. one of the top scorer, and i vaguely remembered that my sister told me that he's studying medicine, so by now he would be already be a doctor.
the reason my mom asked was because, her son just passed away. and he's only 28.
he was at Pulau Perhentian with friends and he drowned.
my heart aches for my teacher. for all his friends. his family.
life is so short.
people always said, enjoy life to the maximum.
what if your life was sacrificed because u're enjoying it?
everything is so unpredicatable.
do you believe that it's possible for a guy and a girl to be really,really good friends? so good till the extent that you can share almost everything and be there for each other?
i used to believe that it's possible, reason being is that i myself did have a very good friend which is of the opposite sex. having him as a friend is one of the greatest thing that happened to me, he is always there for me when i needed a shoulder to lean on. and we both know that it's extremely impossible for us to fall for each other, because we are so not each other types. we know that both of us can and will only be very good friends. and i really cherish this friendship a lot. sometimes i felt that i need him so much till the extent that i felt that im being selfish.
i dont deny that there were times that i myself am aware that he did much more for me than the other way round. i share my problems to him more than the other way round. i thought i was because he's just being a typical guy, where they don't talk about their feelings.
since few weeks back, i felt that somethings kind of change between us. and i know that he's actually going after another girl.
and now, they are officially together.
i know that i'm not in the position to feel jealous or anything. i know that i'm not jealous. part of me aches, because i know that i'm about to lose something.
things will not be the same anymore, as now...the extent of him caring for me would be limited.
i know that i sounded very selfish. but i just can't help it.
somehow, i felt like i lost a good friend already.
i don't think i can take losing friends anymore. i'd lost too many already.
since i started working, i know that there are more responsibility on me, and i know that it's inevitable that i would get stressed at times. and about enough sleep, even before started working, my sleeping hour has always been quite irregular. i can sleep for 15 hours a day, or just abour 2-3 hours a day for the entire week. i know that mentally i am able to handle the stress level. juggling between work, studies and socialising. but i guess my body cannot take it. my stress is all shooting out via my face. since last week, more acne came out. especially last week. and yesterday night, i was discussing with my mom and my sis about my condition. my sister was on isotretinoin last year, and it worked well for her. but she started consuming it back recently because her acne came back. though in a lesser dosage.
i was not on that medication because my previous skin specialist did not prescribe me that, in fact he stopped my antibiotics about a year ago. he told me that i don't need to consult him anymore, just have to purchase the cream/lotions.
but i suppose my condition is really severe now.
last night i was lying on my bed, thinking...about myself. my condition. it's like i lack so many things. i don't have the body. i dont have the face. and my face is covered with acne.
i know, it sounded so pathetic.
this morning i woke up, my face felt very pain. im not joking. felt swollen and it's throbbing at certain areas.
i looked into the mirror. few mega-big acne made its appearance. and it's those green type one. i was just so depressed about it. but, i couldn't just stay home for the rest of the day. i need to get my arse up, for tuition. i need to go to the bank. etc. etc.
after completing everything i needed to do, i went to another skin specialist that my sister recommended me.
and the specialist straightaway presribe me isotretinoin. for 6 months. i know that it's the most effective medication currently available. ofcourse, it ain't cheap.
but,i was scared. why? there are several side effects of consuming this drug. amongst others are birth defects - so i cant get pregnant in one year's time, dryness. and it would be the whole body including the eye, depending on each individual. and the one that i'm very scared that would happen to me is clinical depression.
i am scared that i would be depressed. that my emotions would be unstable. i'm worried. not to mention with everything that i'm currently going through.
so, my dear friends...if you guys are reading this, bear with me for 6 months. if i lost my patience, lost control, being so emotionally unstable. please, i don't intend it. it may be the isotretinoin talking.
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my face still hurts.
missy catherine, as how wendy likes to call her. 
me with mr paris. 
where MrParis meets MsTaipei and Ms Bali. 