MrParis,MsTaipei,MsBali.

for the past few months of working, i have to admit that i'm definitely not an award-winning-super-diligent-abide-by-the-rules' attachment student. of course i do my best to complete my tasks competently, but honestly speaking, who can stand 8 hours of reading cases/statutes/rules etc? no matter how much i enjoyed what im reading for most of the times, well...my brain can't absorb that much information.

so, how am i able to get through all of these? well, it's EMAIL-ING with wendy and cat. all 3 of us are working, at a different place of course. and we emailed each other very frequent. most of our dates were set during work via email.

and last week, we decided to have a Starbucks Tumbler meeting! cos all of us had the almost the same kind, those with the name of the country you bought it from. Cat went to Paris few weeks ago, and Wendy's Taiwan whilst mine is Bali.

So we head to Starbucks at Bangsar (the most conveniently location for the 3 of us).

missy catherine, as how wendy likes to call her.

me with mr paris.
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and as usual, no photo of wendy.

where MrParis meets MsTaipei and Ms Bali.

Feelings I hate.

i dont know why i'm feeling what i'm feeling now.

even just talking about it brings tears to my eyes.

this is just so not my week.

i hate everything that is going on right now.

how i wish i can fast forward the time now.

maybe just until October?

at least i know that i'm so far away,

that nothing matters.

Life.

i was just sitting here, staring at the monitor, thinking about what to blog. all my emotions are trapped in my heart and mind. there are so many things that i want to said it out loud, but sometimes, some things are better to left kept.

then just about 10 minutes ago, my mom called me. asking me about one of my secondary school teacher's name. Pn Lim. i would say that she's the nicest teacher in my old school. never once i heard her raising her voice. i can still remember that she is the PK Hal-Ehwal. she teaches maths/add-maths up till form6 level.

my mom asked me whether i know her son's name. her son is few years my senior and he's very smart too. one of the top scorer, and i vaguely remembered that my sister told me that he's studying medicine, so by now he would be already be a doctor.

the reason my mom asked was because, her son just passed away. and he's only 28.
he was at Pulau Perhentian with friends and he drowned.

my heart aches for my teacher. for all his friends. his family.

life is so short.

people always said, enjoy life to the maximum.

what if your life was sacrificed because u're enjoying it?

everything is so unpredicatable.

Selfish Me.

do you believe that it's possible for a guy and a girl to be really,really good friends? so good till the extent that you can share almost everything and be there for each other?

i used to believe that it's possible, reason being is that i myself did have a very good friend which is of the opposite sex. having him as a friend is one of the greatest thing that happened to me, he is always there for me when i needed a shoulder to lean on. and we both know that it's extremely impossible for us to fall for each other, because we are so not each other types. we know that both of us can and will only be very good friends. and i really cherish this friendship a lot. sometimes i felt that i need him so much till the extent that i felt that im being selfish.

i dont deny that there were times that i myself am aware that he did much more for me than the other way round. i share my problems to him more than the other way round. i thought i was because he's just being a typical guy, where they don't talk about their feelings.

since few weeks back, i felt that somethings kind of change between us. and i know that he's actually going after another girl.

and now, they are officially together.

i know that i'm not in the position to feel jealous or anything. i know that i'm not jealous. part of me aches, because i know that i'm about to lose something.

things will not be the same anymore, as now...the extent of him caring for me would be limited.

i know that i sounded very selfish. but i just can't help it.

somehow, i felt like i lost a good friend already.

i don't think i can take losing friends anymore. i'd lost too many already.

hurt.scared.depressed.

since i started working, i know that there are more responsibility on me, and i know that it's inevitable that i would get stressed at times. and about enough sleep, even before started working, my sleeping hour has always been quite irregular. i can sleep for 15 hours a day, or just abour 2-3 hours a day for the entire week. i know that mentally i am able to handle the stress level. juggling between work, studies and socialising. but i guess my body cannot take it. my stress is all shooting out via my face. since last week, more acne came out. especially last week. and yesterday night, i was discussing with my mom and my sis about my condition. my sister was on isotretinoin last year, and it worked well for her. but she started consuming it back recently because her acne came back. though in a lesser dosage.

i was not on that medication because my previous skin specialist did not prescribe me that, in fact he stopped my antibiotics about a year ago. he told me that i don't need to consult him anymore, just have to purchase the cream/lotions.

but i suppose my condition is really severe now.

last night i was lying on my bed, thinking...about myself. my condition. it's like i lack so many things. i don't have the body. i dont have the face. and my face is covered with acne.

i know, it sounded so pathetic.

this morning i woke up, my face felt very pain. im not joking. felt swollen and it's throbbing at certain areas.

i looked into the mirror. few mega-big acne made its appearance. and it's those green type one. i was just so depressed about it. but, i couldn't just stay home for the rest of the day. i need to get my arse up, for tuition. i need to go to the bank. etc. etc.

after completing everything i needed to do, i went to another skin specialist that my sister recommended me.

and the specialist straightaway presribe me isotretinoin. for 6 months. i know that it's the most effective medication currently available. ofcourse, it ain't cheap.

but,i was scared. why? there are several side effects of consuming this drug. amongst others are birth defects - so i cant get pregnant in one year's time, dryness. and it would be the whole body including the eye, depending on each individual. and the one that i'm very scared that would happen to me is clinical depression.

i am scared that i would be depressed. that my emotions would be unstable. i'm worried. not to mention with everything that i'm currently going through.

so, my dear friends...if you guys are reading this, bear with me for 6 months. if i lost my patience, lost control, being so emotionally unstable. please, i don't intend it. it may be the isotretinoin talking.
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my face still hurts.

It Has Been a Long, Long Week.

i was looking at my previous post and i realised that it has been almost a week since i last post anything new up. i guess i had been way too worn out, not only from work but also from other annoying things that pop up last week and also a great time hanging out with my friends. ohyaa...and some very little time to study as well *guilts* exams in like, less than 5 months! and to be completely honest, i seriously haven't started on anything yet.

okay, first thing first. my work, though my boss is pretty demanding, but...i didn't regret working there though i always feel tired when i attend my night classes. i know that i learnt a lot of things there. in some way it enhance my understanding in civil procedure, bankruptcy and winding up. it does. and in a way, it kind of train me to always be very,very careful with the words i used. when sometimes you have to draft a letter, you can't just outright demand what you want...how to make it sound more subtle, yet getting what you want. (the fact that i spent more hours figuring out the format of the letter than the contents of the letter is whole different learning experience altogether!)

all i have to say is that, majority of the time i was in office, i really enjoyed it. in a way, it made me even sure of myself, that what i decided to pursue when i was 15, still stand firm today. and i really look forward to chamber in 2 years time!

okay. what about those annoying little things that i mentioned? well, as we all know, now that we're in the IT generation or whatever cyber generation (however it is now termed, you get what i meant-lah), all of us are over-relied on the internet. whether you're accessing it via ur Iphone, BlackBerry nor HTC, it's like you just CAN'T go through a day without the access. well, tough for me. i can't afford such smartphones/PDA, and my only access is via my house desktop. and, i don't even have a laptop. since i'm going to be away for more than a year, i definitely need to get a laptop.

because i lack the time to go to the shop to get one, i purchased it online, and ofcourse...Dell would be the most convenient one. instead it almost made my life hell.

the very next day after i made my order, my desktops' motherboard (not sure of the spelling, to be quite honest, i'm a pure-pc-virgin) is spoiled. since my desktop is still under warranty, then it would take 4 weeks for it to be serviced.

so my dad has to drag out our old desktop to use it first. it's really really old and malfunctioning. like just now, it took me about 40 mins to actually start the cpu. so for the past few days, i can't really online much nor can i sign into my FB nor update my blog. the only time i can get such access is during my working hour, and ofcourse i can't like just surf FB all the time. sigh.

okok, back to my order---

i made my order online on the 21st Feb. since then, i didn't receive any email confirming my payment or any news from their side. for the past few weeks, it was me who kept calling them to ask and to keep track of my order status. it was only last thurs that Dell told me that the model i ordered, wouldnt be available only April. and they called my house phone, naturally my mom picked up. my mom was informed that they're not able to contact me. and i only receive ONE miss call from them. is it really that hard to dial the same number one more time?

i tried calling them the next day, and i was put on hold for like eternity, well it felt like eternity to me. i'm not exaggerating. i was put on hold until my credit FINISHED. i spent about rm15 plus just to attempt to call them. i didn't even have my question answered!

finally, someone from Dell actually called me back. to explain the whole situation to me. i can't help it. my patience is at its limit already. two weeks were used to determine that my model is no longer available, i have to add rm500 (in total would be rm4379)for a different model because i don't want to wait...and i was told that i can only get the other model delivered in another 2 weeks time. and they can't confirm whether this other model that i ordered is actually available or not. i was very unhappy because their website is very,very misleading. it was stated 5-7 days delivery, yea..with the "*" and the tiny small words "terms & conditions apply etc etc" but, that's the impression that you're giving us as consumers. don't state what you might not be able to do.


okok, i know i'm venting out my frustration here. well the good side though,is that this person that called me, is very kind enough to assist me. and give me his/her words that he/she would now attend to my order personally and i can finally get an extension number, rather than been put on hold forever.

a great time with friends? well, for the past few weeks...i had been going to theLibrary at eCurve on a weekly basis. hoegaarden&stella. beer. drinking & chilling with friends. nothing can be better than a pint of hoegaarden or stella after a long & stressful week. (:

all in all..it has been a long, long week!

have you ever realise that it's so much easier to make many new friends, but to maintain one, it is so so much harder?

maybe i had always be naive in this kind of thing. i will think that so long i made the effort to maintain the friendship, so long i still care for that friend, be there for that friend,we will and always will remain friends.

guess i was wrong. it's time for me to accept the fact that maybe because that person doesnt want the same thing as i do. maybe it's time that i just move out of that so-called friendship.

or i may be misinterpreting that person's action. i may be wrong. but. what else can i do?

i don't deny that there was always a doubt in me, thinking whether is this so-called friendship worth me going through all these? i had been weighing this issue for a couple of months, and i am being extremely fickle-minded and i hated being in such a dilemma.

i don't know what else i can do now. the simple answer will probably be that i should just MOVE ON with my life and don't get bothered about this issue anymore.

it sounded so easy, but...how am i to do that? to do that would be quite a selfish act as it may affect the other people around me.

sigh.

well, at least i know that about 5 months from now, i would be able to avoid this whole issue completely. i know, it doesnt sound like a solution, but i suppose this is the best that i am able to do.

right?

i cant still remember last Sunday, when my lecturer said that she has 7 friends, and they are her friends since 10 years old. many of my classmates chuckled when she said that. but to me, i dont find it amusing at all. i mean, when i was just 17 years old, i thought that i have many,many friends. but i guess i was way too naive. i dont even know the definition of a friend. as the years passed by, the quantity of my friends actually reduces. i guess when u are 17, you call everyone as your friend.

today, after going through some really rough times last year, when my group of secondary friends split apart, those that survive that split with me, are truly the very few people whom i would be able to call as a friend.

i'm not saying that i'm restricting myself from knowing new people, i can always be there for those who needs me, but i know that when i myself is in need of people, there are only a few people whom i can turn to.