Doesn't make sense.

Since exams ended until today, I have done some traveling/road trip...

And now I have to focus on my dissertation, which is due in about one month's time.

And another one more month, will be the time I say goodbye to London.

A close friend of mine left London last week,

and my question was..any regrets? Yes.

Well, I guess, it's inevitable that we humans will have regrets, no matter how much we try to be perfect.

Imperfection, to me, is how God wants us to be.

So we can always learn from our mistakes.

Until now, I have some regrets, mainly in relation to my exams.

I know that I could have done better.

I know that I could have memorised better.

And now, my last opportunity to push my grade is my dissertation.

I'm currently working on my final chapter, hope it will be good.

...

Last night, I had a terrible headache.

And feel nausea.

It's like a tsunami in my tummy.

At that point of time...

The first person that came into my mind, mummy.

I can remember the times when I had terrible headache,

I will just go knock onto her door,

asked her to rub some tiger balm onto my forehead.

I miss my mummy... :/

...

Was having a jog in the evening,

I thought that I'm feeling better.

But after about 1km of jog,

I start to feel nausea again.

Stopped jogging. Slowly make my way back to my flat.

Then...at that point, I feel even more lonely.

Knowing that there is no one I can call.

...

This blog post doesn't make sense.

Everything is scattered around and doesn't link to each other.

Similar to my dissertation.

...

Shit.

One more to go!

I'm done with my first two papers - Cyberspace and Media Law.

Now left my final one on the 31st May.

Just in 2 weeks time! Can't wait for my exams to come to an end!

And hols to look forward too!

Yea, I know I have a 15,000 words dissertation due in August, and I haven't start a shit yet.

I'll remind myself about that later.

Exams...were not too bad.

But not too good either.

Sigh. I don't know.

I just have mixed feelings with the answers I attempted.

Maybe it's the lack of confidence?

I'm not sure.

I can only hope for the best.

Tiny pieces.

I wonder why you can't hear it.

The sound of my breaking heart.

Shattered into millions of pieces.

Yet you can't hear it.

When you are the cause of it.

My final exam will start in one week's time.

But somehow, I don't know..

I don't feel as much tension nor stress as I used to feel.

I can still remember when I was sitting for my final year LLB

and CLP... I start to "countdown" for my first paper one month ahead.

Sigh. It's not that I'm very confident with my exams now.

Just, don't feel much stress.

All I know is that I have to keep on going.

Just keep on memorising as much as I can.

And I keep telling myself, if I'm able to memorise all the stuff needed for CLP,

I suppose this shouldn't be a problem too.

Sigh.

Unsent Love Letter.

My dear,

It has already been 6 months.

6 months since we first met.

I'm surprise that we can maintain this for 6 months.

Was it because it was made clear from the very beginning that we will not have any expectations towards each other?

And just let everything happens naturally?

I guess it's possible.

I'm blessed to have met you here.

Living alone in a foreign place seems more bearable and less lonely.

Although there were times when I feel that there is more bitter moments than happy ones,

the mere fact that you took an effort out of your busy schedule is enough for me.

Your sweet little gestures made my heart flutters, and that is more than enough for me.

Although I know that once I leave this place,

the possibility to continuing this is very slim.

But, somehow...Even when time goes by,

I know that you, will always have a place inside me.

Thank you for being who you are.

x

My darling sis.

Few weeks ago, my darling sister came to visit me. I'm so glad to see her again! It's the longest time that I'm apart from her. More than 6 months! Yea, I know it's not that long...But, we've never been apart for that long before!

Enjoying ice-cream in Barcelona.

Paris.

Sisters in maxi dress!

In Cambridge.

I love u jie!

all about travelling!

i realised that my blog has been pretty dull lately. it's all textual.. and since i'm so sick and bored of studying, i decided to spend some times uploading some pictures, mostly of those captured when i'm travelling around.

one thing i tried to do, is to travel as much as possible (within budget too!) whilst i'm in the UK. i know that once i'm done here, i won't be coming back anytime soon. (:

in Brussels - Manneken Pis. March 2011.

Brussels - Grand Palace

Brugges - Markt.

in Venice. Dec 2010.

in Florence with Dilyara.

Rome !

Portsmouth .

Greenwich.

somewhere in York.

Hampton Court Palace [King Henry VII's residence]

relaxing in Cambridge.

Bath.

Beautiful scenery in Bath.

i'm looking forward to easter break! my darling sister will be coming to visit me. and we will be travelling more!!!

6 months.

Gosh, it has been ages since i last blogged.

initially, i thought i would blog more often when i'm here.

somehow, i didn't.

it's not that i lack the time, i have lots of time actually.

just that i seem to lack the motivation to blog.

sometimes, i open the web, stare at the screen.

just lost of words.

6 months. i'm here for 6 months!

just in another 6 more months, and i'll be done and go back to my beloved home.

i know, i missed my lovely home.

but i have to say,

i like the new freedom i have,

to do whatever i want at whatever time.

but maybe because of this, i became less disciplined.

especially in my studies.

i spent lesser time with my books,articles and notes.

instead, i stay in the room watching anime or just doing nothing.

sigh.

this is horrible, especially exam is just around the corner.

i'm such a lazy pig.

alright.

enough of crap.

I Remember.

Oh...
Remember...
Oh, I remember...
I wanna know...

Where were you when I said I loved you?
And where were you when I cried at night?
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you.
Thinking of all the times we shared.

[Chorus:]
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside still loving you.
Sad and lonely.

No one knew all the pain I went through.
All the love I saved deep in my heart for you.
Didn't know where I would go, where I would be.
But you made me leave.
And plus my heart it just, it just kept telling me so.

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
There was nowhere else to go, oh.
Nobody else to turn to, no.
For the rest of my life, I promised myself I will love me first genuinely.

[Chorus]

I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
So sad and lonely, hey.
I remember when I stormed out.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
I was sad and lonely.

:(

it has been more than a week now.

since i last see him.

there are many times i feel that i'm thinking of him more than he thinks of me.

and that i missed him 10 times more than the other way round.

sigh.

anyone reading this would have the obvious answer...

that maybe he doesn't like u that much.

i know.

i always know that there is that possibility.

then why am i continuing this?

i hate being in this position.

yet loving the moments when we are together.

i know, i'm contradicting myself.

sigh.

Live Life

i'm sure that every one of u have heard of the phrase: live life.

to me, what it really means that u have to enjoy the moment of life that u're currently at.

don't think or worry what the future turns out.

i think that's the best way to really live life.

there's a huge possibility that i may be hurt at the end.

but then, at the end of the day, i'm sure i'll be alright.

so...for now, i just want to live life.

enjoy the moment.

i'll leave the future for the future me to worry.

u said u want me.

and i know i want u.

yet u ask me not to fall for u.

so what do u want from me?

How Long More?

for the past few weeks, i had been asking myself.

over and over again.

is this the position i want to be in?

do i really want to be like this?

how long can i withstand this?

i guess only time can tell me.

Holding On.

it has been quite some time since i last blog.

lately, i don't feel like myself.

i don't know why.

why am i holding onto something that i know will never work out?

it's like trying desperately to grab the air.

something that u can never get hold of.

am i that desperate until i'm being someone that i'm not?

why is my emotions overtaking my rationality?

amongst my friends, i was said to be the rational one.

yet, being apart from them...i ended up being irrational.

sigh.

so close.

every Thursday, i'll have class in Lincoln's Inn at 4pm and the nearest tube station is Holborn.

and today, i drag my arse off from my warm and cosy room and make my way to the tube station to head to class.

coincidentally, my flatmate,Nok is heading there too, so we went there together and chatting happily.

class ended at 6pm, and i decided to head to Waterstone bookshop to purchase a textbook and a statute book.

then about 645pm, i walked back to Holborn station.

everything seem fine and nothing seems out of place.

i reached home, and going to the kitchen to cook some dinner and bumped into Nok.

and she asked me whether i see anything happened near Holborn station.

she told me that she saw many people were running away, and was ushered away by the policemen.

there were many police and ambulance there too.

but, i was completely unaware of such things.

i thought maybe there was some strike or riot.

until just now, my another flatmate, Wing...told me and Nok that bombs were found around Holborn station.

and she was stuck in another station for 1 hour plus because the tube service was delayed, but they weren't given any reason at that time.

i look at BBC News, and nothing was reported on this.

however, there were many other forums where the public said that the bomb was either inside or outside Metro Bank, which was located opposite of Holborn Station.

i don't even know how i was feeling.

this is like the 1st time in my life that i'm so close to almost-death-situation.

Nok was near the station about 530pm.

what would happen if i were to be late for class? or i didn't go to the bookshop?

the source of it, until now, remains unidentifiable.

is it terrorist attack?

i'm not sure.

it's impossible for us to avoid using the tube, as that is the only way we travel to class.

and the bus may not necessarily be the safest choice, since last year...7/7, a bus was bombed too.

sigh.

Settling down.

finally, after being here for almost a month, i think i'm starting to settle down.

all the hatred i had for this place, starts to diminish away...

and, of course i manage to make some new friends.

i still can't say i love it here yet. but i won't know what will happen in a few months time.

Annabel and I in Buckingham Palace.

She's my best mate here.I'm glad to have her, as I know I can always count on her.

Ying, Nok & Annabel. Enjoying Korean cuisine!

in Portobello Market.

Zack-who lives in the same hall as me.

A very funny guy.

in Camden Town.

Yuji-a very reliable friend!

Guy - one of the most traditional guy I met!

classes have officially started as well. everyone had made their module selection. there are many readings to do, but so far...i'm quite enjoying it. and i'm quite comfortable into going back to English cases and English legal terms!

: D

one thing i hate about results is the uncertainty of the exact date of release.

it was rumored to be released 3 weeks ago, then 2 weeks ago, and it usually falls on a monday.

so, just imagine, me now being in London, with 7hours difference...i can barely sleep on Sunday night. waiting for my daddy's call!

and finally, my results were released last monday.

well, the good news is...I PASSED!

the bad news is, well...it's not a good passing marks.

it's kind of weird to be in the bottom this time.

i mean, for the last 4 years, not that i want to show off...

but, somehow i manage to stay at least top 10.

and, when my daddy told me my results...

my 1st question was, "are u disappointed?"

i really don't want to disappoint my parents.

but, i think my parents understand the difficulty in passing the CLP.

since the percentage of students passing the exam on their 1st attempt is extremely low.

so, i can start chambering once i'm back in kl!

and, i feel very sad for my coursemates who didn't get through.

especially those that i know always work hard for their studies.

it just shows that our results doesn't reflect our effort.

sigh.

3rd Week.

well, it's already my 3rd week here.

how am i feeling?

i guess, i'm feeling much better than the last 2 weeks.

starting to get used to climbing up the bloody stairs to reach my warm room.

used to my small cosy room.

getting smashed in the tube, especially in the morning.

and also the tremendous amount of walking i need to do.

oh ya, and the horrible rainy weather in London.

but it's still hard for me to fall asleep at most of the times, because it's quite noisy even though it's already 1-2am.

class had started about a week now,

and...i'm quite decided with my taught modules,

there's still some uncertainties with my audit course for dissertation.

i'm not sure whether i'm fit to do a dissertation on feminist legal theory,

nontheless...i'll take it as a whole new challenge and attempt it.

it's just 15,000 words....right?

there's no place like home.

i can still remember, roughly about one month before i left for London, i went for a pre-departure talk organised by the British Council...and the speaker mentioned that there are 3 stages of so-called cultural shock one would experience when they study in a foreign place.

the 1st 3 months, everything would be wonderful and beautiful as they are experiencing something new.

the 2nd stage is where one would start 'hating' that place, comparing it with their home country and thinking that there is never a place like home.

and the final stage, is when they start to accept that particular place for what it is.

i'm only in london for a week...however, i already realised that there is definitely NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

it's not that i'm homesick or anything, just that... i can't really describe what i'm really feeling right now.

i think i'm friend-sick more than homesick.

sigh.

Thank you, for being there.

in about 3 days time, i'll be leaving my home country.

i'll be going to London, to further my studies.

i've no idea how to describe the way i feel now.

i do feel excited about the prospect of a new challenge, new life...well, basically new everything.

no doubt that there will be anxiety as well.

to adapt to a totally new surroundings, people and culture.

not to mention that this would be my 1st time to be really on my own, without my family.

the idea of my parents not being just next door,

or my sister wouldn't be a phone call away...

really scares me sometimes.

although it's just one year...but many things can happen or change in a year's time.

not to mention that i wont be coming back for any break within that one year time.

i'm worried that the people whom i close to for so, so many years may change,

my several close friends especially.

or i myself may be different.

this i know is inevitable.

but the question is whether we can accept each others' changes.

all of this remains a puzzle to me.

for the whole of Aug and Sept,

many of my friends did take the effort to meet up with me.

to wish me best of luck and to say their goodbyes.

i really appreciate their efforts, especially those whom i can rarely see.

it touched me so much, to know that, somewhere in their heart, i am somewhat important.

i really cherish the past month a lot

and i'm sure that this would be an encouraging factor to me whilst i am alone there.

thank you, everyone!